I'm not quite sure what has been happening to me for the past few days, but it seems that my homesickness increases a thousand fold everyday. Last night I was unable to fall asleep as the faces of my parents and friends swam before me as I lay in bed with my eyes shut. I constantly am aware of a part of my heart that feels completely empty. What I have kept asking myself since I've been here is why it is that when I went to Pakistan alone I was not homesick...why it is that when I went to the university and lived on campus I was not homesick... Amidst all of these thoughts I realized that while the absence of my parents and my friends is a major reason for the constant sickness I feel within me, it is more the absence of any aspect of who I am...a Pakistani. The other girls around me are American through and through and while being American does compose a large part of my identity, there is a half of me, if not more, that identifies itself as a complete Pakistani.
I have not eaten Pakistani food for one month. I have not watched a Hindi movie for one month. I have not listened to a Hindi song for one month. These are all things that I did on almost a daily basis in the states. All of these things...all of these things piling on top of each other make me realize that within this country I have lost all connection to my culture. While those around me still have others to reach to, others to relate to in discussing their identities...I have no one. There is no one with whom I can share the horror that is unfolding in Pakistani politics...there is no one with which I can discuss the latest Bollywood movies...there is absolutely no one to keep the Pakistani side of me from putting itself in a corner and crying out of abandonment.
Put all of this together with the fact that it is Ramadan, the equivalent of Christmas time. I have no one with whom I can share one of the most important times of the year. I have always enjoyed the smells of my mother frying pakora when the fast is about to open...the groans of waking up early in the morning to eat before the sun rose...all of those things I have nothing of...not even a little bit. There is no person here that is Pakistani or Indian. There is nothing here that I can do to keep that part of whom I am alive...and it is quickly boring a hole in my being.
I know that we study abroad to learn about another culture...to truly immerse yourself...but I cannot but help to feel jealous of the others when they are able to discuss things from back home that they miss...to relate to each other's lives in America. I would like to have that and I miss it desperately.
On top of all of that, I have always been a person that has needed to have one or two best friends. The way large groups work in friendship has never been attractive to me...I have always chosen the intimacy of a cup of tea or coffee with one rather than sitting in a large group. Here due to the distance of my house from everyone else's (I am pretty much the only one of the group that lives in the Carretera de Sierra Nevada area), I have not been able to find my one best friend...that one person to keep me anchored amidst this churning ocean around me.
I feel horrible...so very angry at myself for having spent almost a month of this experience in such misery. I feel angry for allowing myself to be one of those people that could not live away from the life I loved so much for even 4 months. I am trying very hard to love being here...to fear the day that I have to get on the plane and say "Adios" to Espana. As of now, I simply go to bed thinking "one more day down".
With much love,
An empty me
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6 comments:
awww i'm so sorry. so many ups and downs to go through here. maybe you should ask your senora to let you cook her a pakistani meal! tell her all about where YOU come from and the things you have seen and done. You're stories are probably more interesting anyways.
Teach some of your american friends to count in hindi or teach them to say hello and goodbye and stuff, like you did for me!! I know it's not even remotely the same, but it would be a little bit, right?
loving and missing you,
Ever
I agree with the person whose already commented. Oh Amen, your identity doesn't come from those around you it comes from who you are. Just because there isn't a sea of desi'ness around you doesn't mean that you can't desi-o-fy espana yourself. Start listening to desi music on your ipod, ask miss carmina if you can make her a pakistani meal, teach her about pakistan, about the politics, about the culture. Wear a shalwar kameez ( I know it might be a bit odd but that helps me feel comfortable). youtube desi movies, tell your american friends about desi-ness and about, watch a desi movie with them. Sleep over one of their houses one day.
Shoot me your number if you can... I know carmina is a bit stingy with the phone but I miss you. If I could be there with you I'd hop on a plane in a heart beat!
Cheer up, Bring Pakistan to you. Notice the similarities in the culture. Take note of somethings you can take with you and make a part of your life. Before you know it you'll be in pakistan and miss spain.
www.muft.tv (you can download desi movies from there)
I love you bunches!
Fariha
Hey Amen! I just found this blog! I have to say, I'm digging your layout. We have great taste you and me :D
First off, this video of me will say more than I could in a comment, so watch it first:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44ajd78OivI
Secondly, I restate. I am sending so much love your way Amen.
Please keep trucking along. Enjoy Spain as best you can. Keep smiling. I know it's really tough with the holidays, homesickness, and I suppose maybe even a little culture shock, but you and I both know that you are capable of great things. You'll find your way through all of this, and in the end you'll be a much stronger person with such a wide perspective on life, relationships, and the wide array of cultures.
I love you Amen, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.
Hey doll! I have a plan. I am going to mail you some Indians and you can mail me some Spaniards (but you have to pick the nasty ones so I am beat them up with orange juice). Okay? haha As I type I am listening to the azaan and wishing you were here. I hope you meet that best friend soon. Until then, just hang in there. When I stopped trying so hard...and just started living here, that is when things went from tear-filled to okay to happy. Oh and eat some food for me. I will have a biryani or dal/ naan for ya. You are already a month into it. You are going to be just fine! Love you!!! Katie
PS- I also found the Kite Runner to be somewhat wrecking...glad you are reading it :)
pps- teach those darn Americans a thing or two about what it means to be Pakistani! Make them watch a Bollywood movie with you. :-) It will be good for them. Once you let that part of you show fully with them you will feel more like they actually know the real Amen that I just adore.
An empty me? I know you miss what you have at home, but it has not left you. It will always be a part of you wherever you go. Home is not in a fixed location on Earth; it is in your heart and the people you know. I say, try daring things to make new friends. Do things that you wouldn't have the chance of doing in America for whatever reason. Step outside your comfort zone because this is the time where you get to be by yourself as an independent identity so experiment with what you have and may question. I don't mean go against what you believe, but go out there and see what happens. Find the truth in who you are. God may have restricted friendships from you so that you could focus on him. A friendship will come in time. Definitely venture in this place that's only momentary. I always miss the places I leave, whether simply a Disney internship in Florida or Africa. This is a huge opportunity for you to blossom; keep your eyes open. Keep your mind ready.
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